Sunday, September 7, 2014

Football Season...for the LADIES!

Ladies…here is a list of things you can do during football season while your man is enjoying his few sweet months of letting his super testosterone fueled, Neanderthal styled, violent freak flag fly.  Sidebar, weird chicks who looooove football and blah, blah, blah…this is NOT for you!

1)    Remember all those friends you dropped when you finally got a man decent enough to lock you down? Well, they’re probably not speaking to you anymore but you could make an effort to call them and gather for mani/pedis, shopping, lunch, gym, Race for the Cure, etc. Now, if they’re true friends, they will clown you so be ready to hear, “Oh, you got a man and got BRAND NEW!” or  “Now you know us?” It’s all in love though because we’ve all been there. Note that girlfriends could also mean cousins…like the one who happily cleaned up as you puked all over her house!

2)    Since you’re happy and in love you’ve probably gained a little more girth…you know, more cushion for the pushin? Now would be a great time to get back on the exercise and clean eating bandwagon. Why not set aside Saturday and Sunday for shopping and prepping meals for the week instead of checking your cell every 5 seconds to see if he sent an ILY text? (Don’t act like I’m the only one.) I actually do this already but my Gladware is filled with terribly delicious and fattening  stuff that you don’t need to hear about.

3)    Now if you’re like me, you have a gazillion unfinished projects in that tiny one bedroom apartment that are just begging for completion. Have you seen all the costume jewelry on my dresser???...I’ve overheard my friends planning my intervention. Here’s an idea…set a goal of seeing just ONE project to the end. The men are always screaming for us to get a hobby…one project could turn into that hobby that allows you to get out of his face for the duration of at least 3 games…maybe!

4)    I’m not the best cook but I know my man loves meat, potatoes, pasta, black olives and blue cheese crumbles on his salad, and an occasional stalk of broccoli…cook up his favorite vittles and quietly (this is of utmost importance) bring him a plate. If you can’t cook, decorate an inexpensive party platter with yummy snacks. When he looks puzzled, just say something like, “I can’t have my baby starving during the game(s)…you need your energy to coach from the couch!” and walk away...

Unless you’re ready to be bored out of your mind, especially during those 500 college games every Saturday, I wouldn’t suggest anything foolish like showing up at his crib, in the wrong jersey, with the wrong beer, with the intent of bonding with him. Please hear me when I say you will be ignored, you will question your relationship status…hell, you’ll question your mere pitiful existence. For your own emotional safety, please just leave him to his own devices and his own remote! He will eventually emerge from the abyss that is called football…and hopefully his team sucks so he’ll lose interest as soon as they don’t make the World Cup or whatever they call the playoffs.

Ladies, please take these suggestions as lightly as they are given. Hopefully you laughed at me or with me as you read them. MWAH!