Sunday, September 7, 2014

Football Season...for the LADIES!

Ladies…here is a list of things you can do during football season while your man is enjoying his few sweet months of letting his super testosterone fueled, Neanderthal styled, violent freak flag fly.  Sidebar, weird chicks who looooove football and blah, blah, blah…this is NOT for you!

1)    Remember all those friends you dropped when you finally got a man decent enough to lock you down? Well, they’re probably not speaking to you anymore but you could make an effort to call them and gather for mani/pedis, shopping, lunch, gym, Race for the Cure, etc. Now, if they’re true friends, they will clown you so be ready to hear, “Oh, you got a man and got BRAND NEW!” or  “Now you know us?” It’s all in love though because we’ve all been there. Note that girlfriends could also mean cousins…like the one who happily cleaned up as you puked all over her house!

2)    Since you’re happy and in love you’ve probably gained a little more girth…you know, more cushion for the pushin? Now would be a great time to get back on the exercise and clean eating bandwagon. Why not set aside Saturday and Sunday for shopping and prepping meals for the week instead of checking your cell every 5 seconds to see if he sent an ILY text? (Don’t act like I’m the only one.) I actually do this already but my Gladware is filled with terribly delicious and fattening  stuff that you don’t need to hear about.

3)    Now if you’re like me, you have a gazillion unfinished projects in that tiny one bedroom apartment that are just begging for completion. Have you seen all the costume jewelry on my dresser???...I’ve overheard my friends planning my intervention. Here’s an idea…set a goal of seeing just ONE project to the end. The men are always screaming for us to get a hobby…one project could turn into that hobby that allows you to get out of his face for the duration of at least 3 games…maybe!

4)    I’m not the best cook but I know my man loves meat, potatoes, pasta, black olives and blue cheese crumbles on his salad, and an occasional stalk of broccoli…cook up his favorite vittles and quietly (this is of utmost importance) bring him a plate. If you can’t cook, decorate an inexpensive party platter with yummy snacks. When he looks puzzled, just say something like, “I can’t have my baby starving during the game(s)…you need your energy to coach from the couch!” and walk away...

Unless you’re ready to be bored out of your mind, especially during those 500 college games every Saturday, I wouldn’t suggest anything foolish like showing up at his crib, in the wrong jersey, with the wrong beer, with the intent of bonding with him. Please hear me when I say you will be ignored, you will question your relationship status…hell, you’ll question your mere pitiful existence. For your own emotional safety, please just leave him to his own devices and his own remote! He will eventually emerge from the abyss that is called football…and hopefully his team sucks so he’ll lose interest as soon as they don’t make the World Cup or whatever they call the playoffs.

Ladies, please take these suggestions as lightly as they are given. Hopefully you laughed at me or with me as you read them. MWAH!

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

The need for Juneteenth Celebrations...

I know it's a little late for this but hear me out.
On Friday, June 18th, I attended a Juneteenth Celebration/Pageant in Grand Prairie, TX. My initial motivation to attend was to get out and enjoy my community and find an opportunity to do a little service and eat some free grub. As I entered the auditorium where the event was held, I thought to myself, "are Juneteenth Celebrations relevant in 2009?" Is the black community in need of piss poor pageantry or should we put a bit more energy into re-building our communities and educating our children? I decided to reserve judgment until I had given the event a chance.
The auditorium, a cafeteria in an elementary school that could easily house 300 people, had an attendance of about 50 people. The Master of Ceremonies was a local postman who moonlights as a comedian. His act consisted of buffoonery and ridiculing nearly everyone in the audience. As he introduced the white City Councilman who was to give a proclamation, he said, "Man I see you all the time when I eat breakfast on 19th Street...when I speak to you, you always look at me like I'm black!" Maybe that was to ease the racial tension but I just didn't get it.
He introduced the first “act” who enlisted audience participation to sing ALL the verses of the Negro National Anthem sans music/instruments. (I did a lot of mumbling on that part because I only know the first and last verse.) The following acts were comprised of the same old American Idol rejects, several armies of Praise Dancers, and some kids reading essays about Juneteenth, MLK, Barack Obama, blah, blah, blah. I can’t tell you if they were good or bad because the sound system took a break at this point. That was about 15 minutes of my life that I will never get back.
The most dramatic part of the evening came when the lady who sang “Lift Ev’ry Voice” returned to the stage for a “B” selection. She seemed to be a religion fanatic so she delivered a testimony before she BLESSED us with her song(s.) She went on to say that she saw a rainbow the previous day with only 3 colors and she knew it was a visual representation of the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. She announced that the DEVIL stole her lyrics so she was just going to let the LORD use her. She cocked her head back and manhandled the microphone as she spliced about 6 songs together starting with “Somewhere Over the Rainbow!” I almost lost my composure when she belted out… “Have you tried Jesus...He’s alright,” followed by “I Believe I Can Fly” and then back to Dorothy’s rainbow. The audience was wowed by this over zealous lyrical train wreck and several, including the comedian, even did a little praise dancing themselves. I was appalled at the whole spectacle.
During the closing remarks, the president of the Juneteenth Committee said, “We may not be where we need to be, but we SHOL ain’t where we started!” My question is when will we get there? We all know what we need to do to get there and it's not by behaving as minstrels or parading around an auditorium and blaming the DEVIL for one's lack of preparedness. Was the author correct who coined the following phrase: If you're not a part of the solution, there's good money to be made in prolonging the problem.
I’m going to petition the committee to have a Young Inventors Contest as a part of next year’s celebration. I’m creating the rubric as we speak so I can be a part of the solution.